Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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