you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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