it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize