I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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