Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
