you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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