You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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