uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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