after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
