can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
