I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
