Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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