I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
