Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
