i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
