I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
