i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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