Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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