Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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