my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
