ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
