Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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