Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
