so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
