There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize