i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
