remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
