the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
