my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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