Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
