I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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