i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
