Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
