I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
