Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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