i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
