I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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