John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
