Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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