I'm eating all of the evidence.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
