I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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