She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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