Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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