I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
