I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
