I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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