OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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