totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My dick has a subreddit
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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