So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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