So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
