im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
