eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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