So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
