when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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