The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
