I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
this boner is exhausting
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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