He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
