WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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