There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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