Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize