So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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